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the company you keep.

Your attitude usually reflects what kind of company you keep. In my case, other people's attitudes (i.e. assholes) are genuinely what I attract, and, what apparently I tend to keep around. Why is it so hard for most people to just stay in a good mood? As long as my feet hit the ground in the morning, I cross paths with a dog or two, I get to have conversations with Sarah-Lynn, and I get to sip a Diet Coke - my day is probably going to be alright. If I'm really pushing the envelope, I'll ask God to bless me with a migraine free day and I'm set.

Some people on the other hand, I'm convinced, love to be mad. Tim McGraw has a song - "I Don't Know Why You've Got To Be Angry All The Time". It's hard to love angry people. You exhaust a ton of energy trying to make them happy and keep from rocking the boat in the relationship. You spend time trying to convince them to be happy and enjoy dinner, a movie, and life as a whole. You lose sight of the person/spouse/parent that you yourself are trying to be. I can't imagine what sort of household you would have as a family if both parents were "miserable" - for lack of a better term.

I find myself wondering sometimes if this is what "love" really is. Is this what marriage is really supposed to be about? Where is the horse? Knight in shining armor? There isn't anything glamorous about this life. There have been fun moments, stupid moments, pissy fights, ugly crying, days I'll never forget, and nights I don't want to remember. Television gives everyone an unrealistic expectation of what you think marriage and a relationship is. I don't remember the part where your spouse is going to be cranky and hypercritical all the time.

I know I shouldn't make excuses for him or why he acts like he does. Most of the time I don't - I just say he acts that way because it's his personality. This part is totally true; he is this way in his practice, in his relationships, in his marriage - but not with our daughter or his dog. I'm not sure what this says about me or where I fit in...


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